Inertia

I’m in bed reading on a Sunday morning. I should stop being so lazy. It’s been a busy, stressful week but that’s no excuse. I should get up and Do Something. If I don’t move soon I’ll feel frustrated and annoyed with myself but I am trapped in a vortex of indecision.

I should get dressed.  But I don’t know what to wear. Shall I put running clothes on and go for a run?

But if I go for a run, I’ll have to run along the main road for a while. It’s busy at weekends. I don’t know if I can face much noise, will the traffic noise be too much? There might be cyclists on the pavement where they shouldn’t be and they will upset me. I may have an altercation with them. It’s also a nice day and there may be too many people out walking on my route. They may block the path and I’ll have to say “excuse me” to get past them which, stupid as it may sound, always stresses me out. And last time I went running on a Sunday, some teenagers were playing loud music in their car. When they saw it bothered me, they turned it up even more and I had a meltdown when I got home. What if that happens again?

I could go for a walk instead but many of the same problems will apply. And the way I like to walk is very busy in summer. I also never know if I should say hello to people I meet when I’m out walking or running. I don’t want to cause offence but somehow I feel I do. And I just don’t feel like talking to strangers today. Also there may be loud music playing from the amusement park that I have to walk past.  There are plenty of alternative routes but I’m not sure of the way and which ones will be quieter.  I always go the same way.

How about gardening? That’s relaxing. It’s sunny and the neighbours will be in their gardens. What if they’re making noise? That won’t be relaxing. One of the neighbours had a radio on all last weekend – I had to go inside. If the neighbours are there, should I say ‘hello’. What if they want to talk further. Should I plan a conversation? Talk about the weather. Oh it’s so nice, isn’t it nice summer is here finally. I don’t want to talk about the weather today. OK no gardening.

Perhaps I should just go and have a shower.  But I might decide I am going to have a run later after all so there’s no point having a shower until I’ve decided. I don’t want to waste water by having a shower then getting all sweaty running. It’s better to shower after my run, if I go.

I need to go to the supermarket. But it will be busy and noisy today. There will be families out shopping with trolleys piled high and unhappy kids who will block the aisle. The car park will be full, the lights will be bright and there will be announcements over the tannoy. I might meet someone I know and have to chat so I better make sure I look OK and prepare my weather conversation. I should have a shower before I go so I look respectable but I still haven’t decided if I’m going for a run yet so I can’t do that yet.  And if I go to the supermarket, I’ll feel tired afterwards and I won’t be able to do anything else today. Actually, I don’t think I need to go today after all, I can make things last and replace them tomorrow.

Maybe I should do some housework? Don’t know where to start. I’m feeling irritable and can’t think of what I need to do… OK maybe not.

I can’t decide what to do. I’m frozen in place, held captive by my indecision, anxiety and inertia. Later I’ll feel angry with myself and frustrated at the wasted day but I’m not worried about that now. For now, this is a good book. I’ll just stay here where it’s safe and quiet and read a few more chapters….

 

 

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